Monday, April 4, 2011


Sometimes, all that is needed to be convinced about the possibilities of life getting better is reading some old journal entries. Found these two while fishing for some lost documents.

"Existence - Log Entry

08th June 2010
Somewhere in Rajasthan

Half lying cuddled in a woollen blanket on the upper berth of a fresh train scatting over the metal and wood rail stretched across the arid landscape of Rajasthan, insulated from the blistering summer outside by the electrically treated air, I comfortably cud  some old existentialist dilemmas... 

The recent past will slowly become a dream. Stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the truth and after fighting for a while, I will adjust to it. Then I will be back to routine. Delhi. Dust storms. Occasional Rains. Filth. Crowded Markets. Disgruntled lawyers. Sleepy courtrooms.

And I will soon forget. That there is not one but many chains. That they aren’t tightening together but independently. At their own pace.  

09 July 2010
Another scorcher shattering the hopes of better days. All those rain showers and the furore done with.

Got fried inside the oven again. Funny how the climate affects outlook. A mere 20 minutes drive in the sun did the damage. Internal thermo recorded 47, sparking off discontent.

Again the routine. Weary steps all the way up the stairs. Kept knocking for about a minute. Door opened with mumbled apologies. Staggered into the room. Everything just the same. The windows that never let anything in or out, even air. A huge pile of clothes for laundry. Unkempt bed. A worn old blazer that fell off from the chair as usual.

It was time to play my part. Open the window. Sigh at the clothes. Restore the blazer to the chair. Throw the socks to someplace under something and make it disappear from the picture. Fall on the unkempt mess. Stare at the ceiling with the dusty fan that struggled in circles. Close the eyes and forget the place. Wake up with a headache, drenched in sweat. Blankly stare at the lizards clinging to the ceiling. Cliché stuff I’d read somewhere. Life, in its myriad forms.

Watched a couple of movies after long, at a stretch. The Secretary, Presumed Innocent and Goodfellas. First one turned to be a worthless softporn and the other two curiously had the guys getting into trouble from infidelity. Probably a message for me. Just like forbidding someone from doing something. Say it and the hitherto alien idea grows on him.

How better can life ever get??? Probably this is the tip. It’s the decline that’ll follow. Stay in this tip or go for the decline. Maybe decline is effortless. Better than dragging oneself all the way up. Just slide down the mountain... Yipeeee...”

Well, it hasn’t got any worse than that yet. Something hopeful.


ousu said...

not just hope gets high when reading old journal entries times we feel foolish as well writing it.. but speaking of ur scene, i think its looking gud infact..nothing has gone bad..d car stil runs..u dont owe life is all urs for the taking...

Payne, Max said...

I'm trying to sell the car and the freakin' summer is frying my form dry. So lets not make such quick conclusions, right?